Just an observation from my musings today:

Let’s be clear. By middle school, kids have heard about bullying nonstop for at least six years. Most of them know exactly what bullying is. They know when they are making another kid feel bad. The odds are excellent that they are trying to make that kid feel bad.

By thirteen or fourteen years of age, a bully seldom benefits from, “Now, “Javier,” how do you think that makes “Ignacio” feel?” Some kids can spin out repentant and even eloquent answers, as they talk their way out of trouble. “I am sure he feels bad. I was not thinking when I said that about his nose. I am really sorry. Etc. Etc.” Some of our misbehavers genuinely feel sorry. Kids blurt disparaging comments without thinking. But others are simply manipulating their latest trip to the Dean’s office, spouting versions of the same lines that worked the last twenty-five times. Like hell those kids are sorry. Sometimes they are proud of themselves for how effectively they are playing the Dean.

Even the repentant get a wrong message when we let them repeatedly talk their way out of trouble, though. By thirteen or fourteen years of age, we should be suspending bullies or at least making them do homework during silent lunch. We should be punishing them. When we don’t punish kids, we prepare them for a world that does not exist, the world where misbehavior has few or no consequences.

When we blame parents, administrators, teachers and society for Javier’s behavior in middle school and high school, we are setting up Javier for a long, miserable life. I’m not saying that parents and other adults may not carry some responsibility for Javier’s bullying or other misbehavior. But at some point, Javier must cross the line where he is held personally accountable.

If Javier never gets held responsible for his own behavior, what will happen when he turns eighteen? When he is tossed out into the world? The world will not talk to Javier about his feelings — not often anyway. What will happen when Javier tries to explain his way out of his assault arrest and finds that the system has decided to take away five years of his life?

We talk too much. Our words sometimes flow in one ear and out the other, at least where our repeat offenders are concerned — and less than 10% of students referred for disciplinary reasons may easily cause over 75% of the disciplinary incidents in a school. Our “high fliers” or repeat offenders? They are often silently laughing at the administrator who is trying to talk about feelings with them.

Real deeds should result in real consequences, not lecture #237, piled on top of last week’s lecture.