I have my choice of shows at the moment. Various versions of murder are everywhere, only some committed by zombies, ghosts and other supernatural creatures. In the mundane world, I can watch CSI fighting off the Russian mafia. On another channel, some poor fellow is embarrassed about how badly he performed in bed, but never fear. He and his disappointed lady are going to try again. Dear Abby would be challenged to help that Trojan prince who stole another man’s wife, setting off a famous war of epic proportions. I am sure the prince would have behaved better if he could have seen the future, but Trojan princes had no time machines. I happen to know how this one ends, but I might surf by; Brad Pitt never looked better than he did in the Trojan War. Moving down the crawl, a mobster is demanding a retired car thief get him 50 cars or else he will kill the guy’s brother, a man who failed 50-Car-Theft 101 apparently.
I could try pseudo-reality TV, of course, flipping on WWW Monday Night Raw, two hours of fighting that stems from some Royal Rumble Match, or perhaps Cops. I always enjoy hearing “Bad Boys.” I keep stumbling on a show titled, Losing your Memory. It comes after a show touting the Amazing Shark Vacuum and before, How to Avoid a Facelift. If I stay up until ten, Losing Your Memory plays again. The producers must figure they need to keep rerunning the same show every few hours to help out the viewers who forgot what they saw last time. At eleven, Losing Your Memory is followed by Sexy Adult Toy Shopping. I guarantee America that adolescent kids of today know exponentially more about sex than my peers and I did when we were the same age, despite the fact that I had a friend who worked at Elmo’s Book Store. We’ve come a long way since the prickly, plastic objects on Elmo’s shelves, strange shapes probably designed by extraterrestrial creatures who obviously, to quote a favorite Star Trek line, had “never seen a human before.” I am not sure I even want to know the plot of Bulging Brides.
I like the idea of the medical student with the special blood who is embroiled in a battle between vampires and werewolves. The unlucky daughter of a mob boss who had her decapitated head mailed to a publisher does not appeal to me, but I am stopped briefly by a detective’s observation that cross-dressing goes hand in hand with masochism. Where is his evidence? America believes these fictions, so I hope someone did not just make up that surprising tidbit. On Family Guy, Meg convinced Brian to take her SATs for her, but he did not do well. Peter then decided to share the pleasures of being stupid, whatever those are. The second Family Guy episode in the crawl has Meg getting a modeling job in the foot-fetish industry while Stewie and Brian hit the open road. And that’s just a slice of cable. I haven’t checked “On Demand” yet. If I put Netflix on, I can watch a comedy called Danger 5, where Adolph Hitler regularly … (does something, but I don’t want to print a spoiler). I recommend Danger 5, an Australian action comedy television series. If you like tasteless, absurdist comedies set in implausible, alternative universes, I suggest you check this show out.
I don’t even want to start with Netflix, On Demand and YouTube. It’s not yet 8:00 PM. All across America, kids who are not gaming are hitting the OK button as they pick their favorites. If I were a mom of young kids today, I’d push cooking and fashion shows. Bring on the Kids Baking Championship, Chopped and Cupcake Wars, along with Project Junior Runway. I’d rather my kids were watching Bar Rescue or even the Amazing Shark Vacuum than abductions of young children, murdered women, and high school shooting reunions. One of my old infomercial favs was that liquid nitrogen freezing device, the one where the guy climbed a ladder and dropped a frozen roast that shattered into jagged pieces all over the floor. I haven’t seen that one in awhile, maybe because liquid nitrogen can explode violently in the right (or wrong) circumstances. Like Puffer Fish sushi, I avoid liquid nitrogen devices. I recommend readers do the same.
Having studied the crawl, I recommend Dr. Who and Star Trek, along with METV. Science fiction and golden oldies provide a kinder, gentler universe — once we manage to avoid the Walking Dead and Game of Thrones anyway. Ummm… and a bunch of other apocalypse shows, I guess. Nobody ever had happier dreams because they watched 12 Monkeys or The Colony, that’s for sure.
Eduhonesty: No comment, I suppose. I’ve watched and read too much apocalyptic fiction to be self-righteous. I have Chiller on my favorites list.
Maybe I have one comment. Educators and parents need to keep in mind the media stew that our children live in today. With media-streaming devices everywhere today, kids can always find another viewing outlet. Parents and teachers should be having conversations about media content with kids.
We can at least try to ride the bull.
